Anatomy of a Mancrush

First off I would like to congratuguage use. You truly inspire me each and every day with your ability to rise to the challenge (of your lack of vocabulary). All of this and in addition a great set of predictions

*DISCLAIMER*: As the difference between a Mancrush and a regular crush is quite large, this column is written with the male audience in mind. Women simply will not be able to understand the concepts, given their lack of hanging, erectile genitalia

Male society is not understandable to the outsider. Whereas women like to talk about each other and exist in a personally oriented culture, men look beyond that. Male society is a competitive one, where the chance to one-up another is cultural capital. Then why do we have such a heterosexual fascination with more visible, well renowned men, given that they're clearly better than us? Why does the "Most Interesting Man in the World"

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsjIg_PMWs4&feature=related)

inspire such awe because of his various abilities?

I think the best way to figure it out would be to take a quick glance at my own mancrushes, so I am pleased to present:

Lebron James: Obviously, I love this man. He is a freak of nature, the likes of which have never been seen before. I unabashedly will smile and stare with that sort of hetero-love when he blows past someone in the lane or rushes from behind on a breakaway to swat a shot into the upper deck. His unprecedented combination of power, speed, and athleticism is something that leaves observers wondering "wait, is he actually human?" Not to mention he, at times, has a great beard. All at the age of 24.

(congratulations to the King on his first MVP trophy today, the first of many to come. Much simchas and nachas, as a young Andrew Sidney would have said)

Roberto Luongo: Patrick Roy is 6'1" and had a playing weight around 175-180 pounds. Dominik Hasek, THE best goalie of all time (but that's for a later post) 5'11", 165 lbs. Most goalies fall at about the 6 foot, 175 lb range. The only goalie who has excelled at a larger size was Ken Dryden with the mid to late-70's Canadiens. However, Luongo makes big look better. He is just as quick as a smaller netminder, as the 5 film-frames that it takes him to drop to the ground is considered excellent, only outdone by Jose Theodore (when he was, you know, a good goalie). In addition to the great reflexes, he's simply a massive target in net: when he comes out to face a shot, there is ZERO net visible behind him. His 6'4", 205 lb frame is not the typical lanky build of a goalie either. Chad Ochocinco (nee Johnson) is 2 inches, 10 pounds smaller, and Randy Moss, who is the same height as Luongo, is 5 pounds heavier. The man is a hulking mass of padding in the net, intimidating merely by the sight of him. Needless to say shooters must flip out when facing him, thinking "where the hell can the puck go." And the man, with his Italian roots, grows a great playoff beard.

Dallas Green: to quote a reputable source, the man "has the voice of a thousand angels." His band Alexisonfire uses the sharp contrast of his ethereal voice with the outright screaming of George Pettit to create an effect that is at first disarming, and then amazing. His side project, City and Colour, highlights his amazing voice with acoustic backgrounds and improvisation. The soloist work can bring you to tears with the emotion poured into it. Also, his versatility is apparent with the Bukowski quotes and obscure movie phrases he uses in titles/lyrics. The man has a great deal of talent in the musical industry, and is disarmingly charming and funny in his live sets. While Dallas grows a hobo's beard, he does so with a flourish and confidence that you can't help but respect.

Edward Norton: the most versatile, believable actor of this generation. From a skinhead in American History X to a gambling addict in Rounders to a schizophrenic/split personality in Fight Club, Norton always is superb in any role. He has a great voice when expressing incredulity, bordering on a squeak (which is why he was such a great Worm), and his curb stomp is so unexpected, but of such perfect form, that anyone, ANYONE, will gasp or cry out. In his more vicious, assertive roles (think Derek Vinyard or Eisenheim) he deploys a great set of facial hair.

Leo Tolstoy: War and Peace. Realist Fiction. Writing on nonviolence influenced Gandhi and MLK Jr. Life imitated his art. "Greatest of all novelists" -Virginia Woolf. Great Beard

Obi-Wan Kenobi: Blue lightsaber. Defeats Anakin. Wise, loyal, humble. Always bearded, always on the side of good.

If we look at these gentlemen, there are a few things apparent. First, they fulfill some ideal of perfection that isn't observable in most other people. Be it physical prowess or imposing presence, musical talent or creative innovation, a man crush is someone that we look up to without even knowing why. In addition, each gentleman makes us think. Maybe they make us think out loud, involuntarily yell out, or unite some ideas that we'd never linked before, but they have control over our minds. Last, and most importantly, the beard.

A beard can be the difference between respect and reverence. Society demands that people in more visible positions shave that beard (think Jason Giambi going to the Yankees), but the people we love are willing to take that chance, to fight authority as to what can and cannot be presented on one's face. Everyone respects and wants to emulate the Dalai Lama, Michael J. Fox and Barack Obama, but people want to BECOME Robert E. Lee, Gandhi, and Da Vinci, live their lives and wear their fur. The beard is never used for evil, but only to inspire love. So love away on your mancrushes, they are the heroes we need in a male culture lacking them

(for a great listing of man's most favorite bunch of men, check out www.mancrush.com)

-DR